Ahhh to be young...fit...able to perform. Unless you have worked for 14 hours straight like my boyfriend, Brace. Of course, for God knows what reason, I decided that I was going to make tonight different. Sheer determination it was, I even shaved my legs! A feat none too small...for some reason its the one thing I despise doing. Which probably leads you to wonder how I ended up with a boyfriend to begin with. Also quite the feat, but I managed it, and now he is mine. Don't you worry about how I managed it! Hmph. But I digress...
Anyway, I was all scrubbed and polished, hanging out in my see through "pajamas". I had lit a few candles and managed to finally master a smokey eye. I laid in wait, imagining all of the steamy things that were about to take place in this, my ever steadfast king sized bed. And shortly there after, he arrived. And all my dreams and plans were shattered. SHAAAAT URDDDDD.
I got a "hey babe" grunted in my general direction...barely audible across the large expanse of silky gray sheets and separate comforters. I am sorry those of you who still have dreams of grandeur...sharing bedding is scarcely ever possible between two adults who have slept alone for so many...many...mannnnyyy....mannnyyy...anyway...He had arrived. He and his large bag of cheesy meats from one very popular fast food joint with a south of the border theme which will NOT be named here because it does no service to those from whence it pretends to come. You know who you are! [shakes fist angrily]
Brace quickly strips down to his boxer shorts. Now I know what you are thinking, because thats what I was thinking too. "Alrightttt! I am so irresistable in this new sleep wear that he can't even wait for his dinner...he would rather devour meeee first!" You can picture the smile on my face, thinking I was so drop dead gorgeous that he just hadddd to have me. Not so world...not so at all.
The next fifteen minutes goes something like this: Chew Chew Chew...Gulp Gulp...Chew Chew...Gulp...Belch...Layup to the trash can....anddddddddd we're done here. Head hits the pillow. An inaudible mumble. A loud snore. The end. My romantic evening has come to a close.
How did I deal with this you might ask? Did I get angry and pout? Wake him up and kick him to the couch for being so insensitive? Decided I am too much of a mouse to say anything, blame it all on myself not looking stunning enough...should've done my hair too...? Well no. I responded in the most appropriate way in which I knew how. I threw on a hoodie, some socks left over from a hospital stay last week, (thats an entirely different story) and tossed my hair in a bun. Broke out the chocolate and the cigarettes and turned on reruns of The Nanny.
And so all in all, it really wasn't any different from any other night. And truthfully, that was just fine by me. Because in the morning when I woke up, smokey eye now running down my cheeks, sunlight coming through the windows, that same ogre from the night before took me in his arms, kissed me, and told me he loved my new pajamas...and he loved me. Which means that even if the best laid plans at first look like they might have failed you, in the end, they really may be the perfect thing for all parties involved.
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